Retreat.

This past weekend was a women's retreat for the missionary community in Mali. For 3 days around 60 women gathered together to worship, learn and retreat. A team of 5 ladies came from Colorado to put on the retreat and bless the missionary community through this event.

My roomie, Hilary, and I at the retreat.

For me I struggled to get into the mode of "retreat". The location was in Bamako and I commuted back and forth from my house to the hotel to save some money and keep hotel space open for out of town-ers and mothers. This brought my normal 'life" into "retreat" life and caused me to be distracted.Also, I struggled with pride. My attitude was focused on me, what I was thinking, what I was going to get out of this weekend. My over-critical spirit jumped out and thoughts of "who are these ladies teaching us? Most have never been to Africa, let alone know anything about life of a missionary in Mali." blocked me from really hearing what God was saying through them.

This weekend focused on our stories and how God is working through them. We were given time to make a timeline of our lives by placing significant events and phases of life on the paper. Later in the day we gathered together in small groups and shared our stories. I was blessed with the genuine honesty of the ladies who shared with me. I heard stories of pain, sorrow, joy and peace. I have always known in my head that since no one is perfect, then that would include missionaries. But, hearing stories reminded me that every person is broken and in need of Jesus for healing and fixing.

Life on the field- or really in any "ministry position"- is in a fishbowl. Everyone sees what you do and you are expected to be the perfect Christian- and most strive to live that way. However, we really are only human, and when we dedicate our lives to following God, Satan gets even madder and tries to thwart us- causing all those struggles to intensify. Its a powerful battle that I regularly forget to recognize.

When I was writing out my story, I really started to see some themes- the biggest being my strive for perfection. I always remember Jesus being my life. Sure, there are times where it would not appear so from the way I treat people or the thoughts in my head, but I look back and see obedience, and joy in the journeys He has taken me- around the world, literally.

However, I see that perfection being sought after in the eyes of others. Instead of seeking after Gods holiness to please Him and Him alone, I tend to strive for perfection to please others and myself. It has the same result, yet the attitude in my heart is not always pure, and is self seeking, rather than loving. Its a strange juxtaposition, really.

I guess my purpose in writing this blog is to allow people to see the real "Sarah". We discussed genuine community on the final day of the retreat. The first step is to desire community and then put in the work for it. It doesnt just happen by chance, but the work that needs to be done is honesty of our stories and praise to God for the work He does in spite of those.

So, here you are, my friends and family. I may be a  missionary but that does not mean I am perfect. My prideful attitude and critical spirit gets in the way of me really listening and learning. However, I serve a God who is sovereign. He somehow always pushes through my stubbornness and barriers to teach me. He is holy and only through his work in me am I made holy.

I now ask of all of you to remember this: do your best to not put missionaries, pastors, or really any spiritual leader on a pedestal. They are broken in need of God just as much as anyone else. Seek to find out their story and pray for them through their short comings. Our God uses ordinary people for His glory! And it's a good thing!